Progress?

Well, the progress I was making Monday feels a little stunted now. I did finally learn today that I won't be able to stay at Jeff's house this weekend, so I'll only be seeing Rachel on Sunday. But I still haven't heard back from the guitar teacher, and I've made barely any progress in Logic. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, there's only so much I can do in the three hours between school and school show. I want to do more, but hey, I'm stuck being me. I'll have to make the best of it.

I wasn't looking forward to this weekend as much since I didn't know what I would be doing. But now that I know, and really it's not so bad that I won't be staying Monday since Rachel has class and I wouldn't have gotten to see her much anyway, I'm really looking forward to seeing her Sunday. Then I have all Monday to get caught up with my album, since we don't have school.

Today and yesterday felt like straight-up spring, sprinkles of rain and everything. It was very nice, extremely nice, but it also made me really horny, which is weird. I kind of feel like a woman when I say that... men aren't usually turned on by environmental factors like that. At least I'm not.

Anyway, today I spent my one day off from school show at work, which was unexpected but nice seeing as it's MORE MONEYZZ HA HA. Never a bad thing.

So now! I need to hear back from the guitar teacher, I need to start my album, I need to get a bank account. That's about all I think. I wrote a song yesterday, and as usual I started wanting to write one thing, ended up writing something completely different, and still had something pretty good to work with. I'm trying to write a song for somebody to sing at the senior recital (which is just what it sounds like) which happens later this year. We'll see how that goes.

This week is PSSA testing, standardized shenanigans all PA schools have to put up with, but it's for eleventh grade only. I put in my time last year, so now all this week I get to sleep in an extra two hours. No English or photography for almost a whole week. Pretty good deal.

I know mostly I'm just blogging about what I'm doing every day, not so much my feelings or thoughts or anything. January I was in kind of a funk, and now I'm just chugging along, waiting for things to end, and for things to begin. It's not such a bad state to be in, really.

Westchester finally contacted me about auditioning for them. I don't want to.

I don't.

I probably will anyway. Seems to be the standard operating procedure in life.

_Dr. M

Another audition and other exciting times

The first month of 09 is all over, and I must say things aren't shaping up too badly. I had my audition for Temple University last Saturday. It was a very different experience from the one for UArts. Things at UA were very relaxed and laid back, and smaller. Here everything was bigger and more regimented. UA also had a much more human touch, at Temple the presentation at the beginning and the aural exam were all done by a recorded disembodied voice. The audition itself wasn't a complete disaster, though they didn't review my portfolio with me there in the room like they had at UA, which I didn't like. They just gave me a piano sight-reading exam (not good) and a sight-singing exam (also not good, much to my dismay), asked me some questions, and that was it. I think I made it a little too clear I was looking for more of a contemporary music education while they were a mostly classical department, so I never had much of a chance to impress them. I don't think I'm good enough grade-wise to be excepted to the university, so it didn't really matter how well I auditioned anyway.

But I already got into my top choice college. What do I care what Temple thinks?

Sunday was my first eight-hour shift at work, which was long but not too bad, anyway it was really random when I found out considering how bad my hours have been lately. Sunday evening I met with Khai and we got to practicing our new version of my song North Winds. He's actually made some good progress, and now after I send him some practice tracks and he really works at it, we'll be ready to record a demo. That's pretty exciting.

Today was the first day of school show rehearsals. This whole first month will be nothing but learning music, which isn't so bad. I just hope our voices can stand it. Now I really need to figure out how I'm going to fit in everything I want to do around school show. I have a pretty good chunk of time between three and six o' clock every day. I should be able to get some stuff done.

Speaking of which, what all do I need to do tomorrow?

1. Practice tracks for Khai
2. Call about guitar lessons
3. Start learning Logic so I can work on my album!

I should be able to do all that in three hours. One and two will take hardly any time at all.

Today was also the first day of photography class. That class will be a breeze of course (so much better than piano), I only need to worry about waking up and getting there on time. The first step to that will be going to bed on time. I don't why that's been such a problem this school year.

I heard something about some kind of important football game that happened on Sunday. Not really sure what it's all about, all I know is nobody at work mentioned it, and in the evening I was with Khai and Khai didn't mention it. Who knows? Oh yeah, and something about Bruce Springsteen. We just can't let our poor washed-up has-beens go in peace. Six more weeks of winter! I bet. Today everything outside melted, it was disgusting.

Other than that last paragraph, exciting times! I'll tell you what.

_Dr. M

Life is Stupid

Well, I didn't win Poetry Out Loud. I didn't even get second. Worst of all, I don't even harbor any opinions on whether or not the winners were actually any better than me because we weren't allowed to see each other perform.

I was pretty well destroyed last night. This is in all likelihood the last poetry recitation contest I'll ever participate in, certainly the last national one. I think I'm pretty damn good at it, and now it's all over. The girl who won is a fucking tenth grader. I'm a senior, this was my last shot. Last year I got second place, and now this year I was supposedly a lot better than I had been last year. How could I not fucking win? How amazing were these girls? They were both girls, who were the top two, and it just so happens all four judges were female. Not that I'm insinuating anything.

I know, it's very subjective, and the scores were probably very close, blah blah blah. Nothing can make me feel any better about it.

In the end I spent so much time working on these poems, obsessing over my tone, my movements, everything, and it's all for nothing. I learned some poetry, learned a little about poetry, and maybe taking such a hard loss will better prepare me for the future. Maybe. But right now it all just feels so fucking stupid. What a god damn waste of time. Fucking judges. Fucking poetry. God I hate everything.

Anyway tomorrow morning is my audition for Temple. My mother thinks maybe they'll offer me a better deal than UArts, that the two schools may actually compete over me. But I don't know if Temple even offers scholarships based on your artistic potential like UArts does. I think the only thing they base scholarships on is academic standing, and going by that I'm not sure if I'm even good enough to be admitted at all. My guidance counselor says I might be meeting minimum requirements, but remember, this is a big school, and my grades are not very good. We'll see what happens though, at the very least it's another chance for feedback and to practice interviewing. Just another experience to throw into that big vat of experiences my stupid life has me going through, for better or worse.

My mother really freaked out at me tonight. Over just about everything, from how poor a student I am to how I quit drum lessons when I was eleven. I can never tell when she's genuinely mad or when she's just not feeling well, though tonight it's probably a little bit of both. Needless to say, I love my mother and will miss her when I leave, but I will definitely not miss her random crazy rants.

Time to focus on other things now, like music. Yeah, there's always that.

_Dr. M

P.S. I got the solo Those Canaan Days in the school show, and Brandon is Joseph, just like how I predicted. I'm pretty excited about it, I actually think we have a pretty good cast. Rehearsals start next week.

Auditions and Counties

I've averaging about one post every other day (among the days I have the ability to post). It's definitely not one post every day, but it's not too bad I guess.

Thursday's audition call-backs went well. They wanted three guys to sing for the part of Joseph, me Patrick and Brandon. I think Brandon will most definitely get it. I think I'm going to get the corny French song, which I don't mind, I like that song. Results will be posted next Wednesday.

Today was County Chorus, the lowest level choir festival. Usually it's before Districts, but they rotate things around and this year it was the week after Districts. Rehearsals ran during normal school hours, which I mostly slept through. Because of that I don't feel very qualified to comment on how well the group sounds. Apparently people weren't very well prepared (big surprise), but I like the music well enough. It's pretty. And we're doing a song called I Remember, which is from the Stephen Sondheim musical Evening Primrose. The song stands alone as a beautiful, melancholy little number, unfortunately the musical it's from was a made-for-TV throw-away whose only redeeming qualities seem to be the three great songs in it and the weird twist at the end (look it up if you like).

Tomorrow is the performance, hooray. I'll be glad when it's over.

I hope I'm not the only one who obsesses over things that don't really matter. Like, issues that seem a big deal in my mind, even though I know they're not. I keep going back and forth over whether I'd like to have a music collection that's completely digital, or if I'd still like to collect CDs. Who cares, right? I mean, it's not as if I even have any money to buy music now anyway. CVS has severely cut back my hours -I'm currently working three hours a week- and I don't know if that will improve any time ever, especially with me starting school show. It's just, music is important to me, and I'd like to just do one or the other. Stick to my guns, whatnot. I know CDs are swiftly becoming outmoded, but people have all kinds of crazy collections, and I thought it would be neat to have a CD collection. I still think it would be. It's just that, in some cases, CDs are more expensive than the standard $10 iTunes fee (other times less expensive), and then I always have to wait a week to actually get the music. It's less convenient.

I think I would still like to have CDs though. At the very least, they're a permanent back-up for my music collection in case of catastrophe (of the new computer variety). It's the one place I can always get the songs I want to listen to.

Rachel is now eating ice cream with her friend Zach. Well, him and some other people. Sometimes I feel like a broken record on this blog. Yes, I'm a jealous boyfriend. Yes, I'm a jealous boyfriend. Yes, I'm a jealous boyfriend. I can't help how I feel. I don't ever plan on tapping her text messages or threatening to break up with her if she so much as looks at another guy, and I try to keep my feelings to myself (though she always picks up on it -I'm not a real subtle guy), but they're there all the same. We all have our problems, this is one of mine.

I've started writing poetry again, and I'd like to start working on a novel again. I repeat the word "again" so you're sure to get the idea that these are things I used to do pretty often, and enjoyed quite a bit, but lately have been too preoccupied with music to do. Also I don't think I'm a very good writer. I've never been able to finish a novel, but I think trying might be fun. I have a pretty good concept for one too. It sort of explores the nature of an anarchistic society, something as you know I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Every day I seem to think of a new project I'd like to take on. Every day goes by without me having done anything. This is just how my life has always been. Personally, I should really just be writing music. That's it. That's all I should be worrying about. I really need to get a notation program for this computer.

I really don't like these rambly posts I've been making lately. Every day I'd like to pick one topic to really explore and write about, and just do that and nothing else. That takes a little more discipline, but I'm sure it's easier to read. Posts like this sort of drag, just because the randomness takes away any kind of logical structure or flow.

Sometimes I wish I could talk about porn on this blog.

_Dr. M

Four Josephs

The first night of auditions finished yesterday (which was the singing auditions) and the second tonight (which was dancing), and I must say, competition is tight. There are four people IMO who could very well end up as Joseph, me, Patrick, Brandon, and Jeremy. We all sang Joseph's audition song, most importantly we all hit the high note, and we all could look the part. Right now I'd say Brandon is probably the most likely. Behind him is me, behind me is Patrick.

David (none of these names mean anything to you, unless you're somebody from Reading High, in which case you'd have to be either Khai or Rachel, or somebody I don't know about, in which case I hope whoever you are isn't a creepy stalker) sang it the best easily, but he's too short to play a lead. Such a shame, he has such a nice voice.

I've decided I'd except any role as long as I get my own song. The tricky thing is, any of the twelve brothers could theoretically sing any song, so no matter whose name I end up under when the cast listing is posted, it doesn't tell me anything about whether or not I have my own song (unless it's Joseph or the Pharaoh). But believe you me, if one month later we are well into rehearsals and all of the songs have been given to other people, I'm quitting the show like that *snaps*, no hesitation whatsoever. I sincerely doubt that would happen, but you never know.

I do hope to be Joseph, I'm going to try my hardest at the final round of auditions tomorrow (where they will undoubtedly have every guy sing every song), but I'd be a little surprised if I get the part. Pretty surprised. Very. But let's hope.

Today was a little annoying, just because I had to leave auditions for work earlier than I thought originally, so I didn't even get to do the dance audition. I learned the dance which is most important, but now I have to remember it so I can do it for tomorrow. Oh well, they know I can dance, I just have to worry most about looking like I'm having fun while dancing. I really do enjoy dancing. It's one of those things, you know? One of those things.

I'm very tempted to videotape tomorrow's audition, so I have something to refer back to when they horribly miscast the show, again. This production isn't without its concerns, already and we haven't even cast it yet. For instance, last night eight guys showed up to audition. We need at least twelve. Twelve brothers. Fortunately every guy who auditioned except one sang pretty well, so the guys we will get will hopefully not be too bad. We just need more of them. More showed up today, don't know if it was twelve or not. I don't know what they'll do if they can't get enough guys. Coop, the music director for the show (and my voice teacher), apparently isn't happy with them choosing this show to do. My dance teacher told me he was griping about it over the weekend. That's pretty unlike him, he's usually a positive sort of guy, so he must be pretty upset. I don't think it will be that bad. We'll have a lackluster show but we'll have fun doing it, as usual, and it will be woefully miscast and we'll move on and that will be that.

None of the girls had a very good audition. This also concerns me. There are twice as many of them, and they're all half as good. Hardly even that much.

Today was good though, because I had the first day of my new schedule in which I show up half an hour late for school, every day. This way I can sleep in as late as possible and still catch the end of homeroom if it decides to be first for no reason. In case you're wondering, when we all show up to school in the morning, usually we go to second period first, and then homeroom, and then third. We start at second because only the music kids and JROTC show up for first period, which is 7:30 every morning. Second is at 8:10. Except sometimes they change it so that homeroom is at 8:10. So I show up at 8:30, where I either sit on my tuckus and wait for second period to end, or I rush up to homeroom and sign my attendance card before I'm marked absent. Usually it's the former, though today it was the latter.

Poetry Out Loud is coming up sooner than I thought, which is pretty exhilarating and terrifying all at once. I need more time! I always need more time. Always.

Here's a checklist of things I must do soon:
1. Keep pressing my parents to get me a new social security card. Without it I can't get a PA ID, without a PA ID I can't take out my own checking account, which I must do soon.
2. Finish up the UArts forms and send them in -have to secure a spot in the dorms I want.
3. Finish up the guitar chords for Khai so he can practice.
4. Start learning Logic.
5. POL
6. Start going to bed earlier.

Goodnight.

_Dr. M

Districts, Rachel's birthday, Napenthi

Been a while since the last update! Right now it is snowing outside and it's very pretty. It's been a very cold weekend, which I like. I like how there's never anybody outside, all you have to do is step out your front door to be in complete and utter solitude.

So here's the story of the last five days. On Thursday morning me, my chorus teacher, and the tenor who made District choir drove up to Southern Lehigh where rehearsals were taking place. I liked the guest director who led the group a lot, with these festivals it can be a little hit or miss, but this guy I really liked. He was an excellent conductor, had a good personality, and really made you care about the music, which is the most important thing. People had prepared the music pretty well for the festival so in general we had two very good concerts Friday and Saturday. We got to have them in this nice big church with a real pipe organ for us to sing along with. I'll be getting a CD with Saturday's concert, and I'll probably post some of the tracks for you to hear.

As for the re-audition for regionals (which is the next level up), I lucked out and they picked a piece for the audition which I had already performed at another festival, so I had a pretty good audition and I made regionals easy. Now I have music for that to prepare in three weeks, so that will be fun.

Thinking about it almost made me want to be a choir director again, at a high school or college. Luckily that feeling didn't last long.

Saturday evening and Sunday I got to be with Rachel again, which of course was very nice. She came back for the weekend for her birthday. She didn't have a very good birthday, in fact it was really quite lame. Sunday for a party we went to her brother's house, where her brother and father watched a football game, her mother sort of lurked (she's that kind of person), and her brother and sister tried not to be bored to death. The two of us walked the dog, played with some blocks, and argued about the gift I gave her. Wednesday last week I went to the book store with my father to get her a book. I couldn't find what I was really looking for so I bought her an art book about optical illusions and visual deception. It's a very good book, but she claimed I was thinking more of myself when I bought it (because apparently I like that kind of thing more than she does). What's funny is I thought I was just buying her a good book.

No presents at all (except what I gave her) to unwrap, a tiny ice cream cake without any candles, we didn't even sing to her or anything. I don't even know if anybody else besides me and her had any cake.
Well anyway, her family is in general pretty insensitive and tend to regard each other with tepid indifference at all times. I'm always trying to tell her that, that her family is fucking weird, but she refuses to see it until something like this happens.

Back to the book. Me and Rachel have a long history of her not liking anything I buy her. She claims I don't listen to her, that even her room mate at college knows what she'd like better than I do. Last Christmas, I got her jam, a Bible with anime illustrations, and a wind chime. She didn't like any of it. But I had reasons! I got her jam because I knew how much she liked toast, she was always telling me how much she liked toast, so what goes better with toast than jam. And it was even special fancy jam. I knew she liked anime, and she didn't have a Bible, and it was a little corny but I thought maybe she'd like a combination of the two. And I thought the wind chime matched the decorations in her bedroom. I remember her telling me she disliked wind chimes, but a single tiny bell at the end hardly qualifies is as a "chime", it's more like a mobile than anything (especially if its indoors, hence no wind).

But the gift flopped hard anyway. I think she should feel lucky to get anything, I mean, it's pretty rude to complain about something somebody buys you no matter how close you are. Especially a nice big full-color book that obviously wasn't from the bargain bin. It sure is a lot nicer than what, say, her brother bought her, which was nothing. Oh well, I guess from now on I should just go with more obvious things, things I know she'll like. But it's so boring! I hate boring things.

But of course later in the evening we kissed and made up (and out) (ha ha j/k). She said at least the book will be a good distraction for me when she's busy with something and can't lavish me with the attention I so readily deserve.

She left this morning, and I look forward to seeing her again, hopefully around Valentine's Day.

If you're wondering what Napenthi is, it's the name of my new band. Well, sort of. I met with Khai the guitarist today to try and get something a little bit organized. We ironed out what songs we are going to prepare for a possible live performance on the first in two weeks (death doom destruction). He talks like he's really serious about this and knows how to play. I have my hopes, and my doubts, but there's no reason to give up before you start. Today I'm going to prepare practice tracks for him, just bass drums and chords, so when we meet this weekend he'll have his parts down slightly so we can see if we actually have something or not. I'm not going to make any judgments on the potential of this project until we've both had time to practice. Napenthi is a botched spelling of the word Nepenthe, which is a mythological drug of forgetfulness. I may need some Nepenthe after this week.

This week being school show auditions and all. I've been trying to let my voice rest yesterday and today, since it was pretty well tired after singing all day Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow is a half day, we get out at like noon (for the end of the semester), and then we'll have to come back for auditions at three. During that time I'm going to practice the song and make sure I can still sing it. It is very high, mind you. I'm a little anxious to have it over with. With any luck I won't get a good part and I won't have to do the show, or I'll get the lead. One or the other would be ideal. I kind of hope the directors don't read this blog.

That's all for now. I think I'm going to go watch the snow.

_Dr. M

A Slight Change of Heart

Today was the sign-ups for auditions for the school show. I went in thinking I was going to audition, but probably not get a good part, and if that was the case I wasn't going to be in it. But I've had a change of attitude after today's meeting. We discussed the audition procedures (they're next week), which I already knew, and we went over the songs we'd have to choose from to sing. I knew I didn't have a shot at Joseph, with my range it was out of the question. At least, everyone generally assumed it was and I was fine with that, there was at least one other guy who could sing it.

But as it turns out, all of the songs the guys have to pick from (and there are plenty of them) are too high. They all go up to high Es or Fs, I can't really do any of them comfortably. But oddly enough, the song that's easiest for me is one of Joseph's, Close Every Door. The few high Fs it has are placed within the phrase such that you could fudge them without sounding too bad. Don't get me wrong... you do sing them... but they're not in a place where you hold them out a really long time and get a lot of applause (like it is in some of the other songs). I can sing this song and sound pretty good.

Along with that, my experience from last year taught me what the directors are looking for when casting. I was trying to be subtle when I auditioned, understating lines and giving small gestures, but they don't want subtlety, they want you to put your heart and soul into it and ham it up. I get the feeling this isn't just what they want -it's simply how you act on stage. I don't know why it's taken me this long to learn that. Anyway, let's be honest, I can act circles around almost every person auditioning. If I go in there, sing my heart out, and emote as well as I can, who knows, I may actually have a shot at the lead.

I do this every year, I put silly ideas in my head about how I might be just what they're looking for and all of my short-comings will be overlooked. Every year I end up disappointed, and feel very stupid for thinking I had any chance at all. Well, last year I thought I was a shoe-in, I was so sure either me or one or two other people would get it, and I was very severely mistaken. Of course I still think I should have gotten it, I would have done a much better job than who they picked, but looking back I'm sure my audition really wasn't very good, or at all the best I could have done. In any case, I'm sure I'll look back on this post in two weeks and feel very stupid for thinking I had a chance.

But I think I have a chance. There are only so many other people who could sing the part at all (not many guys are auditioning), and I think I have a leg up on each of them. Once again I think (pretty damn sure) I'm the best actor of them, and with any luck that will come through in my audition. The one who could sing it best is too short and tiny to ever play a lead, which is really too bad since he could do a good job, I think. The boy who played the lead tenor role last year has lost a little of his upper range, and is very stiff on stage. I think he's my best competition, but it all comes down to singing. If I hit those high Fs convincingly, I think I have it in the bag. Then there's the kid who's played the funny roles the last two years, who really wants (and probably thinks he's going to get) it. I like him, he's a really nice guy, a fairly okay singer and a pretty good actor. And it's obvious the directors like him. But he doesn't sing like I can, and he has about the same range I do, he can't really belt high notes any better than I can. He has no real advantage over me, best I can tell.

I know I probably sound pretty full of myself. Don't get me wrong, I am. But don't get to thinking I'm all that gifted a thespian either. Reading High School provides very little competition when it comes to guys, you don't have to be good to get far. Anybody who's reading this is probably laughing, knowing a) the last thing I've demonstrated in the last three years is any kind of range I can actually use and b) they've never given me anything even slightly resembling a lead, and they're not good at breaking traditions like that. But judging purely from my own assessment of how I sounded singing the song today, I honestly think I have a shot.

Last year has been something very much on my mind ever since it happened. I hated the kid who played the lead last year. But now, being able to distance myself a little bit from it, I think a lot of my intense, passionate rage was simply due to me not getting the part, when I thought I could have done a really good job, and on top of it someone I felt was so much worse than me got it, not even somebody I respected. Looking back on auditions, it's not so unreal to me why they picked him. He wasn't a great singer, or even a good singer. But he really put himself out there when he read for the part. I thought it was over the top and completely contrary to the character, but my interpretation of the part obviously differed from the directors', who had a lot more experience for the show. And he could sing the high note. And he matched the height of the leading lady. Plus his accent, though decidedly Hispanic and not at all French (in theater it makes no difference). All of those things put together meant he was simply the best for the part. I was okay at the singing, another kid was better at acting, but this kid, though pretty lousy at both, was simply the best all-around (in the eyes of the directors).

Since there will be no reading for the part since the play is completely sung, the ability to emote through singing will be essential. That can be hard to do. Well anyway if there's one thing I've really learned it is to never rule anybody out, and no matter what happens it should be pretty interesting.

I have the rest of tonight to finish up any left-over schoolwork for the quarter and to practice more for districts, which I leave for the day after tomorrow. I leave in the morning with Mr. Smith and Patrick (the tenor who made it), we get there, we rehearse (ug), we audition that afternoon (double ug), we rehearse some more, I meet the people whose house I'll be sleeping in (hope they have a hot daughter who's never had a boy in the house before, who has been living a sheltered life and secretly aching for some sexual awakening), we rehearse some more the next day, we perform in the evening, I go back to their house (hopefully they have twins)(and a hot tub), perform again the following day, then go home (that's Saturday if you haven't been following along). Rachel will be home that weekend for her birthday, and I'll get to see her which will be great.

Tomorrow is a late start for the seniors due to everybody but seniors taking 4-sight testing. I had my own incidental late start this morning, oops. Stupid sleep, why are you so much fun.

Let's see, is that everything? I broke the news to Nikmis that I won't be doing his remix, which means he apparently doesn't read this blog (for shame, for shame). Aaand... I think that's it. Oh yeah, and my guitarist never messaged me back about meeting today, which is weird. Hopefully he messages me back about meeting tomorrow or we'll have to delay the revolution another week.

Oh, and today I was introduced to clips on Youtube from a hilarious tv show featuring a drama teacher from Australia.



Okay, that's it. Good bye.

_Dr. M