Life is Stupid

Well, I didn't win Poetry Out Loud. I didn't even get second. Worst of all, I don't even harbor any opinions on whether or not the winners were actually any better than me because we weren't allowed to see each other perform.

I was pretty well destroyed last night. This is in all likelihood the last poetry recitation contest I'll ever participate in, certainly the last national one. I think I'm pretty damn good at it, and now it's all over. The girl who won is a fucking tenth grader. I'm a senior, this was my last shot. Last year I got second place, and now this year I was supposedly a lot better than I had been last year. How could I not fucking win? How amazing were these girls? They were both girls, who were the top two, and it just so happens all four judges were female. Not that I'm insinuating anything.

I know, it's very subjective, and the scores were probably very close, blah blah blah. Nothing can make me feel any better about it.

In the end I spent so much time working on these poems, obsessing over my tone, my movements, everything, and it's all for nothing. I learned some poetry, learned a little about poetry, and maybe taking such a hard loss will better prepare me for the future. Maybe. But right now it all just feels so fucking stupid. What a god damn waste of time. Fucking judges. Fucking poetry. God I hate everything.

Anyway tomorrow morning is my audition for Temple. My mother thinks maybe they'll offer me a better deal than UArts, that the two schools may actually compete over me. But I don't know if Temple even offers scholarships based on your artistic potential like UArts does. I think the only thing they base scholarships on is academic standing, and going by that I'm not sure if I'm even good enough to be admitted at all. My guidance counselor says I might be meeting minimum requirements, but remember, this is a big school, and my grades are not very good. We'll see what happens though, at the very least it's another chance for feedback and to practice interviewing. Just another experience to throw into that big vat of experiences my stupid life has me going through, for better or worse.

My mother really freaked out at me tonight. Over just about everything, from how poor a student I am to how I quit drum lessons when I was eleven. I can never tell when she's genuinely mad or when she's just not feeling well, though tonight it's probably a little bit of both. Needless to say, I love my mother and will miss her when I leave, but I will definitely not miss her random crazy rants.

Time to focus on other things now, like music. Yeah, there's always that.

_Dr. M

P.S. I got the solo Those Canaan Days in the school show, and Brandon is Joseph, just like how I predicted. I'm pretty excited about it, I actually think we have a pretty good cast. Rehearsals start next week.