Snow Day

I slept all day today, due to school being canceled on account of the snow we got last night. Most of today it was raining, so the snow got all iced over and you couldn't even enjoy it. Pretty unfortunate. Anyway, yesterday I must not have done anything important since I can't really remember anything I did. I started reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. I can't tell you how long it's been since I read anything that wasn't for English class, but Rachel wanted us to read it together and it's supposed to be good. I'm enjoying it so far, it's the kind of storytelling that's humorous, but doesn't exist solely for the sake of humor, which is good. Also it makes lots of cultural references, but not in an annoying way, which I was afraid of.

I also started a list of all the CDs I want to buy. I figure this way I'll be more enthusiastic about doing it, when I have a running list. Why wouldn't I be enthusiastic, you ask? I still have to remind myself all the time why I want CDs in the first place (rather than itunes downloads), and the whole thing of buying them one at a time seems rather tedious. I'm actually going to buy like three albums at a time probably, all by different artists, at least to start. Then when I find which ones I like more I'll buy more of their albums and less of other people's. It's going to be fun, as long as I have money to do it with. Not sure how long that will last of course, with the way this job thing is working out. The thought occurred to me today that they might be looking to shut down the store I'm working at, as there are two other CVS's in Reading already. We'll see.

Tomorrow is the school Poetry Out Loud competition! I'm really excited, and nervous. With no school today it's going to be really weird having it already tomorrow evening. I'm still pretty confident, but we'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll be able to post some video from it online.

My computer is giving me problems. We updated some programs and then itunes and Logic stopped working. Only like the two most important programs on the computer. At least the web browser still works (besides it crashing about every half an hour). Dan's going to fix everything tomorrow, here's hoping it stays fixed. It gets more complicated all the time.

But this delays learning to use Logic another day, which is bad because I'm supposed to be starting a new album in February and I'd like to not have to use Garageband. I'm doing this online challenge where I have to complete a new album, ten songs or thirty minutes of material, in one month. That won't be hard at all, well, that is to say the album probably won't be very good, but at least it will get done. And it will completely shatter this non-recording rut I'm in.

I would rather we have had just a late start today, instead of cancellation, since now we get one less day of Easter vacation, and we didn't get to find out about school show. I'll find out tomorrow hopefully.

My computer is telling me there is an update available for the program Growl. Growl, I have no idea what you are or what you do, but I'm sure you don't really want me to update you, if I do you'll probably stop working. I'm sorry.

_Dr. M

It Is Complete (kind of)

You're now seeing me post for the first time from my new computer, in my room. It's so exciting! I have most of the programs I want all installed and everything, and some of my music is on it. Here's hoping we don't run into another disaster that will have us reinstalling the operating system, again. It seems to be working okay, with one of two minor gaffs here or there.

Rachel was supposed to leave yesterday, but the snow and inclement weather made her wait until today. Yesterday I saw the Blue Man Group at the Sovereign Center with my brother Dan, the tickets were birthday gifts. I have wanted to see them since I was very little, and so I was pretty psyched. I enjoyed it, it had a definite "rock concert" feel to it, they had a band that played with them and everything. The spectacle of it was great, the lights, how perfectly timed it all was, that in and of itself made it worth going. It was very humorous, and the music was okay. I loved the parts where the Blue Men were drumming by themselves on their weird instruments, then when the band came in it was kind of... well, a little generic. They had a vocalist and everything, but the songs weren't anything special. I would have preferred it to be more just the blue men, and props and percussion and stuff. I think I would like the stage show more, which apparently is very different from their touring show. I think they added the more traditional instruments to make it more accessible and sell more tickets. Maybe I'll get to see the non-touring version in New York sometime.

I know I didn't really want to get into politics in this blog, I mean, who wants to hear my dumb uninformed opinions anyway, but I have been thinking about it a bit lately. I think I'm an anarchist. I know that's a pretty extreme thing to say, and I don't plan on blowing up any buses or anything, but I'm starting to feel a little bit like maybe people actually would be capable of governing themselves, if they were allowed. Maybe all of this governing administered by the rich ruling class isn't as necessary as we all seem to think it is. I've been reading about it a little bit on good ol' wikipedia, and I think I'd classify myself as an "anarcho-capatilist", one whose views are "based on a belief in the freedom to own private property, a rejection of any form of governmental authority or intervention, and the upholding of the competitive free market as the main mechanism for social interaction." I don't know, it makes sense to me. My main point is in simplifying life and society, not forcing constraints or laws on anybody and allowing them to think for themselves. I guess this view is classified as "extreme libertarianism" but I actually think of it more like "extreme conservatism", where everything, utilities, public services like police and hospitals, are all completely privately owned and allowed to trade freely with no constraints by any outside force. My particular strain of anarchy isn't against all order or organization of any kind, which seems to be the stereotypical anarchist view, just against compulsory ones.

I'll be mulling that over for a while, in the meantime I have a new computer with which to make amazing music. If I had any immediate inspirations for doing so I wouldn't be here writing this blog, I'd be making music. The fact is I'm not sure where my sound is going to go once I start up again. I know I need practice with Logic before undertaking any serious endeavors. I also know when I do start again I'd like to be working on an album. Making Pogo, the short psychotic album I made over the summer, was a lot of fun, because I was thinking about more than one song at a time. I got to think about things a little more thematically, about how it would all fit together and flow. That was with a stripped-back album which used the exact same sounds in every song. A fully-realized electronic album with a lot of variety and instrumentation will hopefully be the same experience except more so, which I'm very excited about.

I'm starting to feel a little excited about my music again, something I haven't really felt since October. Inspiration comes and goes, I think it's coming back.

Anyways, Rachel left today. I met an old friend for lunch, a rare thing for me. I knew her from a summer theater camp we both used to go to. Originally it was going to be me her and someone else, but the third person never showed. Have you ever noticed how sometimes, different people make us a completely different person when we're around them? They bring out different aspects of our personality. This girl, whose name also happens to be Rachel (it's a virus), really brings out my intellectual side. Something of which I wish I had a little more to offer, I don't exactly read very much, or retain information like some people do. My Rachel really brings out all sides of my personality (good and bad), one of the reasons I love her.


I got to accompany my Rachel back to college, which was nice. It's weird, whenever I drive to Philly and see that skyline (something I've done quite a bit lately, between trips to UArts and to UPenn), it always feels like I'm coming home. It feels so familiar, and not really welcoming, but still like home. I don't know what it is, but it feels more like home than Reading does. I think it's my subconscious realizing that that's where I'm going to college, and it's a reflection of my desperation to get there and get out of here. I am pretty desperate to leave home. Which is weird, I mean by some standards my childhood has been positively ideal, and I love my family dearly. I'm just so ready to get out there on my own. At least I think I am. We'll see if that's actually the case.

I miss Rachel already, but not too bad since she'll be home next weekend for her birthday. =D Then I'll probably go up to see her on or around Valentine's Day.

Here's a list of things I should be doing at this very moment but am not:

1. Looking for my acceptance letter from UArts and with it the two letters we have to mail in

2. The history project that will be three days late

3. Preparing District music

4. Making sheet music for my guitarist

5. A remix for a musician that I said I would do but am having trouble doing it

That last one I feel especially bad about. I've wanted to do a remix for this guy for ages, but now that I have the opportunity sitting in front of me, I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. Seriously, zero real ideas. To undertake a heavy creative project like this I need time, I need to not be worrying about my computer crashing and the various things I want to do with it, I need to not be in the midst of learning a new program and new music for these stupid chorus festivals. I could half-ass something in GB or I could just tell him it's not a good time. Maybe he'd prefer the former. Well in any case he's probably reading this (he's like that) so hopefully he'll tell me what I should do. Hi Nikmis!

I've rambled on for long enough I think. Not looking forward to school tomorrow, am looking forward to Districts (this week Wednesday-Saturday) being over with.

Bu-bye.

_Dr. M

New Horizons

What a mushy title. Oh well, I couldn't think of a better one.

These past few days have been great. Friday me and Rachel went to the mall and I became acquainted with the joys of spending money. I now have a copy of Pan's Labyrinth (from the bargain bin) which I'm really excited about seeing, I have an interesting new calendar featuring some paintings by H.R. Giger, and I have two new pairs of pants which are probably just about the most amazing pants I've ever owned. My art teacher told the class about them, about how wonderful they are, and man is he right. They're lined with flannel, so it feels like you're walking around in pajamas all day, it's soooooo comfortable and warm. It really is all about the simple joys.

Saturday we slept and watched TV, all day. We were going to meet up with a friend, but it didn't work out.

I've been friends with this girl named Misty for years, since I was in like elementary school. Her grandparents used to be my next door neighbors. Our relationship has gone through many different phases over the years, but lately we've hardly spoke to each other. Nobody's fault really, just that it can be hard making time for somebody when everything else gets in the way. Also, my relationship with Rachel means exclusive friendships with other women has been something I've shied away from. It's not like we're married, but in a way it kind of is, and I don't really trust myself not to create problems where they don't belong. I feel guilty about letting our relationship slide though, I don't want to lose her as a friend. I was excited about seeing her on Saturday, but it turns out she had to spend the day with her father whom she didn't see much over break. I didn't mind of course, but hopefully I'll get to spend some time with her soon.

Her father's a really cool dude. He's an amazing guitarist, in all likelihood I'll be starting guitar lessons with him soon.

In other news, my parents ordered a copy of Logic for me. Logic is the music production software I bought my computer in order to run. It's similar to GarageBand except a million times more functional. It's a professional program that people in Hollywood are using, I'm psyched about having it to learn and record with.

Also, there's this crazy kid I've known since freshman year named Khai, who I happened to see at the mall. He told me he plays the guitar, and we might be starting a band (the two of us). A sort of pop-punk/electronica thing is the idea right now, it's still just talk but I hope that actually comes to fruition. We might get signed and start touring and be the next Greenday, and now you know before anybody else. Congratulations.

Later.

_Dr. M

Post-Xmas

This Christmas was a real surprise. I wasn't expecting very much, but I ended up getting a few of the best gifts I've ever gotten. We woke up pretty late, around eleven, and enjoyed each others company for a little while until Rachel joined us around noon. I hung out with her, we exchanged gifts (got me a lunch kettle, with Spongebob Squarepants on it), it was nice. Then my brother Jeff and his wife Amy joined us (shortly after Rachel had to leave to be with her family), and then we all gave each other our gifts and had a very good day.

I had given Jeff and Amy a list of CDs I wanted earlier in the month, for a Christmas list, figuring they were the most likely to come through in this area. When Amy handed me my gift -six CD-shaped packages all wrapped and tied together- I got that "intestines falling out of your butt" feeling (doesn't anyone else get that?). They got me almost every Beck CD I didn't have (which was everything except The Information)!! Beck has been one of my favorite artists lately, and I'd heard a bunch of these songs before, but now I have them all in CD form. I was expecting to listen to them all at once right in a row... but I never got past Mellow Gold. I put it on, played it, then played it again... I've played it probably five times since yesterday. It's so amazing!! I love every song. It's so fresh, so spontaneous. Anyway, now my expectations are unrealistically high for the rest of the albums which I'll slowly be making my way through in the next few days.

My mom got me the computer chair I wanted, which is awesome. So it ended up being a really great Christmas.

My brother assembled my computer yesterday, and started working out the software. See, my computer is a little... "special needs". It's hardware made for Windows that's running Mac osx on it. The day after Mac started running on Intel it was hacked and this was made possible, no longer do you have to pay for incredibly over-priced hardware that's completely un-upgradeable in order to have your Mac operating system. I need a Mac computer to run Logic, the music recording program I will soon be upgrading to. But I didn't want to pay a thousand dollars for that stupid huge fugly computer screen with everything built into it, a lot of which I don't need, nor did I want another sardine-can mini mac desktop, which can't run as fast and doesn't have the space I need. So this was the solution.

It requires hacking and general renegadery (don't install any updates -they'll find you!), but as far as I knew going in, as soon as Mac was installed, I would have a normal, stable computer just like anybody else's. So far we've had problems at every turn. Getting Mac onto it to begin with was a chore. Now there are still a lot of kinks that have to be worked out. Every time I want to plug something into a USB port I have to restart the computer. It won't have internet capabilities anytime in the immediate future (so for now, you are still reading what I type from the family computer downstairs). These are things that can and will be fixed, but let me just say I don't have such a great feeling about this. I wanted a stable computer that will last me... so far ol' Frankenstein's Macintosh chilling there on my desk isn't quite cutting it. Dan assures me it will be fine, it will work out... just don't install any updates!!

I'll let you know how that goes. In the meantime today I saw a movie with Rachel and her family- Marley and Me, a movie about a dog and the lives of the people who own him. I don't know, I'm not much of an animal person. I mean, let's get real... it is just a dog, there's only so much heart-wrenching drama you can get out of situations surrounding a dog's life. I like dogs fine, but to me, they're animals... animals is animals is animals. They're great companions for lonely or troubled people, me I'll take actual human companionship any day. The movie basically came out and said at the end, "Dogs make you feel good, therefor they are better than people". That kind of message never sits well with me.

Then I had work, which was long and horrible.

I wish I had had more time to spend with just Rachel... but luckily I believe I will be doing plenty of that tee-morrow. So I better get to bed!

Pray for me and Frankenstein's Macintosh.

-Dr. M

'Twas the Night Before... yeah

These past two days it's really started to feel a little more like Christmas. Yesterday was the big party we throw with the *mother says I shouldn't use real name* family. My mother has been friends with Aunt Sue (not a blood relative, but might as well be) since college, and my brother and I and her kids have grown up much closer than I am to any of my real cousins. Her daughters are all grown up, and married with children. We started this tradition of having everyone over for caroling every Christmas season, and yesterday was this year's party. Let's see if I can count all of the kids who were over...

Margie and her husband Joel have five kids, three boys and two girls. Becka has twins, a boy and a girl. Julie has one child. That's eight kids who all crowded into my house yesterday. Aunt Sue's oldest son Paul was on his way but broke down, that would have been another set of twins had he made it. Craziness! So many little kids.

Aunt Sue's two youngest, Andy and Josh (Andy is two years older than me, Josh is four years older than me) were very close to my brother and I through childhood. Andy recently graduated from a culinary arts program and is going to be a chef, and couldn't make it yesterday. Josh works for a security firm in da hood, he's already been shot at and everything. He was over briefly yesterday before leaving with Joel to have coffee with the other married men.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this (probably for my sake, just to make sure I remember all of it). Anyway Rachel was over as well, so I enjoyed myself somewhat, despite the noise and confusion. The cat went nuts, for some reason my mother was surprised. Singing Christmas carols is always fun as well.

Today I had work, but then in the evening I joined Rachel's extended family for their annual Christmas Eve party. I enjoy seeing them, they're pretty fun. Much more fun than her immediate family, I'm not sure how that worked out.

So I'm pretty well in the spirit, especially because I got my first gift yesterday in the mail. EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT CAME!!!! Now my brother just has to finish assembling it and hacking the motherboard so it can run Mac. I guess it's safe to say I'm pretty excited.

Anyway, I hope you, whoever you are, wherever you are, are having a very nice holiday season. Happy birthday Jesus, another year older, though I suppose that must not mean much to you.

-Dr. M

Two Scoops

In everybody's life, there are high points, and there are low points. And then there are points so unbelievably to one extreme or the other that they end up being really hard to describe.

Last night we finally resolved the issue of my computer, another credit card opened up and my parents were able to purchase it for me. The parts should be arriving in a few days, and then it will be assembled (by my brother), and then hopefully I'll have a new working computer with which to do... everything. I almost have a hard time believing it... my computer... in the mail... surreal, really. I'm very excited.

In other, I suppose more important news, we got a rather large envelope from the University of the Arts today that said not only am I excepted, but am being offered a $9,500 merit scholarship (per year) to go there.

Sure clears that up, doesn't it?! The next four years of my life seem to have suddenly opened up, the cloud of fog has thinned and I can see at least a little bit in front of me. Hopefully the scholarship means cash won't be a problem, and I can go there, succeed, learn my trade, and go on to be a career composer.

Keep tuning in to see how that all works out.

-Dr. M

This blog actually exists now (a.k.a the saga of my eighteenth birthday)

I don't know if anybody is going to read this, I didn't even know there were any comments made on that first post. I'm very appreciative of everyone who took the time to read it, it means a lot to me.

Anyway, I really want to have a blog, for real this time. I tried thinking up some catchy concepts or something of actual substance, but couldn't find anything I was actually motivated to take the time to do. So instead this will just be an online diary, like the first post, where I'm going to write about anything and everything pertaining to my life. And I really mean "pertaining to my life", I have no interest in boring you about my philosophical views on education or the government (bleck!).

So, how about a little catch-up? Since last spring when I made my last post a series of events important but completely expected took place. The summer came and went all too quickly, with me spending an entire month at a college prep program where quite literally nothing happened (though I did meet and re-meet some very great people). Senior year started, my girlfriend left for college, I started the college application process, and then I decided to start a blog.

Obviously leaving out a few details, that's where I am right now. I don't like writing about old news, so I'll try keeping it current.

Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday. What a more appropriate time to start blogging, no? It was spent with my brother Dan who is living at home and attending a small near-by university, my mother, and my father. We ended up decorating the house for Christmas, and ordering take-out from Red Lobster.

But something else happened yesterday, something I have very mixed feelings about. Lately I have been wanting a new computer. Really, more needing than wanting. I need it for recording music (my passion, what I want to go to college for), as the first generation mac mini I'm using can't run the programs I need, or do anything else I want to do. It's like a painter wanting an actual canvas since he's tired of painting on notebook paper.

That makes me sound so full of myself. Oh well.

It's funny, the more I try to explain about this, the more of the story I'm forced to tell, in order for you to get the context of it. Try to bear with me. I got a job at CVS back in August, for the sole purpose of purchasing this computer. My parents both work low-paying entry-level jobs and have a hard time making ends meet as it is, I couldn't ask them to make such an expensive purchase. Since I wasn't eighteen, I couldn't get a bank account in my name so all my money just went into my parents' account. This should spell "trouble" to any reasoning person. I had various expenses since getting the job, I got a new cell phone, payments on a trip to Florida the chorus is taking in the spring, plus the four hundred dollars my mother claims I owe her for the text books I used (or rather didn't use) when I was home-schooled in eighth grade. It was never really made clear whose money they were spending for all that, theirs or mine.

If they were using my money to pay all that with, then I basically will never see any of the money I made in my first three months of employment. Frustrating? Maybe a little, especially with this new computer on the line. But the light was waiting for me there at the end of the tunnel... my eighteenth birthday... surely then my parents will be willing to put the money down for my new computer, surely then all will be made right. I'll even be able to open my own bank account and the confusion will be over.

So my birthday arrived. To keep a short story short, the evening came, my mother handed me and my brother her credit card before going to bed (she works third shift, at a chocolate factory, and has to have a nap before going in). My brother picked out all the parts for it (we're assembling it ourselves) at newegg.com, we typed in the credit card number, and placed the order.

The credit card was denied.

This wasn't wholly unexpected, my parents aren't in the best situation credit-wise. We had a run of bad luck in the past few years, my father spent three years teaching at a private school for the least amount of money he had ever made before being fired, my mother never really had any kind of career and usually just worked factory jobs, so we were living on credit and now it's all come crashing down.

My parents are hard-working, intelligent, educated people. The problem was they were both music majors, my father got his masters from seminary (pastor school), neither was set up for a particularly profitable career (or any at all). We've done the best we can, and I have all the love in the world for them. This has just been a very rough season.

I'm angry the credit card was denied. This means waiting even longer for a computer I expected to have months ago. It feels like a deserve a computer, I got a job for it, I've been working for it. It feels like all my money has been taken from me and it still wasn't good enough.

I'm also relieved the credit card was denied. This is the same card that's kept us in debt for so long, the last thing we need to do is keep spending with it and drive us deeper into debt.

I feel guilty for being so angry when my parents have worked so hard. My mother works third shift at a chocolate factory, for crying out loud, I can't really complain about anything.

I don't really know how to feel, I'm also not sure if I'm really getting my point across here. I'm kind of the screw-up kid, the consistent underachiever whose natural aptitude for music (something my parents are responsible for) is the only thing getting me into college (if I can even pay for it). But for some reason I just can't help but feel "entitled" to things, things I don't really deserve. I feel like everybody else in the whole world is better off than my family. But I also know that's of course far from the truth.

I just wish things were better, I guess.

But things aren't that bad. I'm just having one of those days where it seems that way, I guess. The resolution is I am indeed going to be opening my own bank account, I'm going to know which money is mine and which is my parents', and sooner or later I'll have enough saved up for that god damn computer.

-Dr. M